That's a Negative Ghost Rider

Updated: Mar 25, 2020

Did you know what you wanted to be when you grew up? My answer, like most, changed throughout my life time. First I wanted to be a princess, then an actress, then a doctor, and by the time I was sixteen I knew my final answer. A mom.


Maybe that’s not so weird. Maybe others new from a young age they wanted to be a mom or to have kids. But I didn’t want to be just any old mom, no. I was going to have 6 kids, three boys and three girls, alternating genders of course. I was going to do all natural births and be the best gosh dang stay-at-home momma you’ve ever seen!


(Spoiler alert- this is not how my story goes.)


To be fair, some of those things may still happen for me. However, to keep myself grounded and focused on bigger and better things, I try to not let my day dreams wonder to those hopes anymore.


My husband and I tried to conceive for about a year and a half before talking to a doctor. During that year and a half I had countless phantom pregnancy symptoms, took more pregnancy test than I’d like to admit. All which were negative and each one was more heart breaking than the one before.


In September of 2017 Nick and I were moving to Ohio from Colorado. We were very excited about our move and had been trying to conceive for about 6 months. Up until this point my cycle was very regular, to the hour almost and this was 6 months off birth control pills. In my mind, all was well and on track. The week we moved to Ohio I noticed some symptoms that I was convinced could be early symptoms of conception. By the time we were in Ohio, I was around the date I should have started my cycle. My hopes were up and I all could think was, “What great timing!” I held off on doing a home pregnancy test, I wanted to MAKE SURE it would be positive and not try too soon. I waited until I was a week or two week late with my period and then I took the pregnancy test. It was of course a big fat negative. I was shocked, devastated, mad, hurt, and everything else you can feel in that moment. Confused was probably at the top of the list.


I went to my OB soon after, assuming he would tell me the test was wrong and I am in fact pregnant, but instead he gave me an all too straight forward, “No, you’re not pregnant.” He did run some blood test to find out I have hypothyroidism, which he claimed to be the source of my irregular cycles and hurting my fertility. He put me on meds with a sense of certainty I would come back in pregnant within a few months. He was wrong.


About a year after starting meds for my thyroid, which was checked a few times and always within normal levels, we still weren’t pregnant. I decided it was time to go to a fertility doctor. Long story short with this doc, she diagnosed me with PCOS (Polycystic ovarian syndrome), an auto-immune disease called Hashimoto's (thyroid), and told me I was deficient in multiple vitamins, my pancreas sucks and probably more. I was so overwhelmed all I really took from it was I can’t eat gluten and getting pregnant will be hard. I called Nick sobbing, (mainly cause of the gluten news), but the upside was she recommended us starting Clomid. If you don’t know, Clomid is a drug to help women ovulate. Lots of people with PCOS and other fertility issues have good success with it.


I went back to my normal OB for the prescription, to which he was fine giving me but wanted us to get Nick's fertility checked as well. We stared the cycle of Clomid, which is quite the process by the way! During that couple months, everything that could pretty much went wrong. I ended up getting the flu, it was right over the winter holidays which kept me from getting blood drawn to see if I did ovulate, and to top it off we got Nick's results back which told us his little guys weren't ideal for conceiving. My doctor said it was treatable but he would have to see a specialist. We were hopeful with the news but also knew that doing more rounds of Clomid without treating Nick first would be silly. So we counted the first round of Clomid as a bust and went about life until Nick's appointment.


A weeks or so before the appointment, a few months after Clomid, we started having our first conversations about adoption. We cried happy tears when we decided adoption was our choice. During one of the conversations Nick asked that we stop all medical interventions however if we do adoption, which I agreed was the right choice. So he canceled his appointment for fertility and we applied for adoption!


This is a pretty watered down version of our infertility story, but there it is. It still makes me angry to think this is our story and that anger may stick around for a while. I know deep down there may still be some hope of pregnancy through a miracle, but we are more excited by the child God is forming for us through adoption! I would never wish infertility on anyone. It feels lonely and frustrating, but I do hope that those who have experienced it in any form or are still experiencing it know that you are allowed to feel angry, depressed or whatever for as long as you want. I'm giving myself that room to be emotional and if no one else has, I am giving it to you as well. Infertility sucks.



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