Updated: Mar 24, 2020
Where it all began.
I’ve never actually told anyone this story before, but I figured it would be appropriate for my first official blog post.
When it comes to trying to conceive, I’ve always been somewhat secretive about it. When you are someone who has known their calling in life is to be a mom since the age of 16, its something you think about way too much. Baby names, pregnancy announcements, nursery themes and so on. I’ve had it all planned out for years. With all of those, I’ve kept them to myself for the most part. Obviously, I’ve dreamed with Nick about these things and argued over the name Hans Solo, (you can guess who wanted that one). But I wasn’t quick to tell my friends and family of our plans and the little red shoes are no exception.
The little red shoes were always in those dreams of announcing to our community that we were pregnant. Not only literally in the picture I’m sure we would post on Facebook, but also in the story of how it all started. So, let’s take a quick trip back to good ole’ February of 2017.
Nick and I have been married for 10 months, living in Colorado Springs, only one cat and starting to talk about moving to Ohio. Nick and I originally planned on waiting 3 years to start a family, it was 5 but there was a deal made involving light bulbs and I got nick to move it to 3 years. (One of my finer moments.) Clearly, we were no where near the 3-year mark of marriage, but I was starting to get impatient and didn’t want to wait. Most of our community around us were starting a family and it was hard for me to see that and it felt like we were getting left behind. I started having more serious conversations with Nick about wanting to start trying- plus my doctor wasn’t going to re-up my birth control unless I went in for an appointment and I didn’t want to, so it seemed like perfect timing.
Nick was hesitant, mainly because of finances but he saw my heart and desire in wanting a baby. We had many talks about if we weren’t surrounded by growing families, would I still feel this way? Which was fair of him to ask, but I still stand by the answer is no. I would have been happy to have a honeymoon babe, but I did want to respect Nick’s timeline. I am known to be stubborn and I own that, but I could see Nick’s point of view and I tried not to push the subject.
One night, after our community group in the Springs we went home, and I was pretty upset. I can’t quite remember why, but I’m pretty sure it was because of wanting to have a baby or something around that topic. I was laying in bed moping, Nick was in the living room, and I heard our cat Clementine rustling with something under the bed. This wasn’t uncommon, she loved dragging bags, trash, loaves of bread, the usual things, under there. But I was starting to get annoyed with the sound. I looked under the bed and I saw little red shoes.
To say I was confused is a gross understatement. The thoughts racing through my mind consisted of but were not limited to, “Am I pregnant and somehow Nick knows but I don’t?”, “Did Nick get some other girl pregnant and is buying her a gift?”. “Did Nick buy the wrong size shoe?”. No offense to Nick for those last two, I just couldn’t make sense of what I was seeing.
I grabbed them from Clementine’s mouth and stared at them for five minutes. I thought about just putting them back, but I knew I would never be able to sleep again until I talked with Nick. So, I walked to the living room and said, “Nick, what are these?” He took a second to look up but when he did, I could see the “uh-oh” moment on his face.
The best part of all of this is that our cat gave up Nick’s surprise for me. He went on to tell me that he had been processing and thinking about us starting a family. He told me that he saw how bad I wanted it and was willing to let go of his fears to do the dang thing. He bought the shoes off of Amazon with hopes of writing a date on them to represent when he wanted to start trying. So he wasn’t saying yes to right then, but he was willing to try way earlier than originally planned.
This obviously meant the world to me. I was over the moon excited and felt so seen by Nick. I also loved that he took the time to buy the shoes to tell me in a cute way. Once he explained the shoes, he took them from me and came back with “June” written on the bottom to follow through on his original plan. We talked more about logistics and timelines of things. I even brought up baby names, to which Nick shut down quickly saying that was too soon for him to think about. (Nick keeps me grounded.)
These shoes hold a lot of emotions and memories for me. I can get disappointed when I see them- wishing they weren’t collecting dust but being worn down by a child wearing them. But then I feel hopeful that they will be worn down one day. While these shoes didn't start the journey we wanted or expected, they still started a journey. A journey that I will continue to write about and share with everyone through this blog.
So, thanks to the little red shoes and thanks to Nick for buying such a simple thing that signifies so much more.